Fed is Best.

I've struggled with the words to start this post. I know so many moms who have struggled with the "how" of feeding their new babes. I'm no different in that regard.

"Breast is best"... "Fed is best"....these are all terms that get thrown around and even flung like daggers at new moms. When it came time, I knew breast feeding is what I wanted to try with this new babe. I had heard it could be hard, maybe even that I'd want to give up and that I just needed to stick with it!

I'm not sure this is the kind of hard I could have ever even imagined. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

When Sylvie, my first born, entered the world and was quickly shipped from Huntsville to Toronto, my amazing midwife helped me hand express colustrum to ship right along with her. We thought she'd need this in her upcoming journey. She did end up needing it, just not in the way we expected.

Sylvie died 5 days after her birth, never getting the opportunity to feed from my breast, or a bottle. Her nourishment was provided by TPN and lipids through IV. I continued to express colustrum, and then milk, for her thinking she'd need it when she came home. Instead, it became an important part of our daily routine to provide her with OIT (oral immune therapy) with my expressed milk. The many benefits of this have been studied over the years including helping prevent dry and infected airways for our intubated baby. The biggest benefit was probably to my mental health as it felt like the one thing I could actually do as her mom.

When I thought about how to feed this new baby, I knew I'd go back to breastfeeding since it was so beneficial for Sylvie and brought me joy. It couldn't be as hard as waking up every 2 hours to pump in a hotel room with a borrowed breast pump....right?

In a twist of events, Rémi was born with a condition preventing him from taking any food by mouth. There was no question whether he would be breast or bottle fed as neither were an option. The saying "fed is best" took on a whole new meaning.

Like his big sister, Rémi was sustained with TPN and then lipids through IV for the first few days of his life. Then, he was surgically fitted with a gtube. Aside from the few days where his gtube was healing after he ripped it out, he gets all his meals delivered directly to his tummy.

What exactly does he eat? A mixture of breast milk and fortified high calorie formula.

Even if I wanted to, or was physically able to produce enough milk (my low supply is a whole other blog post) he needs extra calories and extra fortification to help him grow. His intrauterine growth restriction caused him to have a teeny tiny tummy, so whatever goes in has to be chalk full of calories and nutrients.

It must be working well since he's put in 1.4kg in the 2 months since he's been here weighing in at 3.6kg!

I have a lot of grief surrounding Rémi’s feeding. I grieve for the feeding sessions we've missed out on, the cuddling and late night bonding I thought we would get and all the ways I thought David would be a part of our feeding journey. Instead, we've had to find new ways to bond with Rémi and enjoy his cuddles. Though I still find it heartbreaking when he tries to suck on my neck, or root into my bicep looking for what he smells on my skin.

Until Rémi has his next surgery, we won't know what his oral feeding journey might look like.

He will most likely never breast feed, but I will continue to pump what I can so he has the immune protection and nourishment my milk is able to provide.

So whatever way you choose to feed your baby, breast, bottle, or tube remember...fed IS best.