Anniversaries

cortneylegros
Jan 7, 2024
3 min read

Anniversaries are a funny thing. Often they are things you celebrate like a wedding or birthday. Sometimes they mark something a little less exciting, but still noteworthy. Today marks one of the latter.

One year ago today, I watched as Rémi was whisked away into his first surgery. After a very candid conversation with the anesthesiologists about the very real risk of mortality due to his small size and heart conditions, I sat holding him in my arms for what I imagined could have been the very last time. Quiet tears streaming down my face, trying to hold back my emotion and just be present in that moment and soak up what was supposed to be that newborn bliss.

Grievers will tell you all about the quiet tears. The ones that come unbidden, with no warning, no sound, just heat and ferocity. The ones you shed when you're desperately trying to put on a brave face and show the world that everything is fine, fine, fine. In that moment I wanted Rémi to feel like things were fine and to convince myself of the same.

Things were more than a little amplified that morning since David wasn't feeling well and had spent the night at a hotel with my parents while I stayed at the hospital. We decided that he could meet up with us later if he was feeling better but not to risk it with our already vulnerable babe and the other NICU babes. What a good call that was as he later tested positive for COVID starting 10 day isolation period for all of us.

So, as Rémi was taken into the OR I sat alone in the chair beside the empty bedspace, silent tears turning to sobs. All of our family had been in contact with David so there was no one to wheel my wheelchair back to my hospital bed in a different building. No hand to hold or shoulder to lean on. The porters took me back where I waited and waited for news from the surgical team.

About 6 hours later, the phone call finally came. He was out, he was alive and he was recovering. They were unable to repair his esophagus as originally anticipated thus initiating our very long stay. Worse news, I was unable to go back to the hospital for 10 days due to being a close contact of a confirmed COVID case. I never did get COVID (nor did Rémi) and after a series of negative PCR tests and negotiating I didn't end up needing to isolate from Rémi for 10 days either. Though I didn't get back to see him for almost 24 hours after that.

One year later, most of that seems to be a distant memory. A year ago I couldn't even look into the future to imagine a first birthday. Nothing was guaranteed back then. Yet here we are. First birthday celebrated, first smash cake destroyed and so many great memories have been added to our journey.

It's hard to forget where we started, but it's an absolute miracle to see where we've ended up 1 year later. While looking ahead is still hard for me, I hope that in 1 years time we are even farther ahead. There are still many more milestones to hit, work to be done and most of all memories to be made.

In a life full of uncertainty, the one thing I do know for certain is we will fill it with as much love and gratitude as possible.