How Quick we Forget

It's 4:30am and I'm sitting in a prized rocker that doesn't quite rock.

It's hot. Too hot. I can hear the IV pump delivering fluids, the hissing of the oxygen mask, and finally the sweet slow steady breaths of a sleeping baby.

Before we got up to 5B, my senses were thrown into complete overload in the emergency department of SickKids. I forgot just how loud the overhead PA is when you're trying to get a babe to sleep or the constant chatter in the hallways. Mostly I forgot just how quickly my stomach bottoms out for code calls or the alarm of the sat probe monitor when Rémi’s oxygen drops too low.

It's not that I forgot about any one of these sounds really. How could I? But I forgot about how fast they tear through me when they are all playing in unison. So loud I can't hear my own thoughts, or the nurse right beside me, or the sweet sound of my baby finally falling asleep at 4am.

The routines are a whole other story. Shift changes, nursing lunch breaks and of course vital checks just as you've calmed the baby from the last interruption.

Even though we made this place our home for so long, my brain was quick to block out what used to be such an integral part of our daily routine.

It doesn't take long before we fall into our old rhythms. Rounds, nursing hand overs, surgical consults and so many cuddles after pokes, swabs, suction and tests. It is a familiar dance, but one I hope to forget the steps to in time.

I don't know how long our stay will be this time or what exactly our next steps are. Like always Rémi will show us what he needs and we will adapt and move forward from there.

For now, more cuddles to ground me through upcoming days. And let's be honest, lots of coffee.