Grief and Gratitude

Grief is a strange thing. It's nearly impossible to explain to someone who has never experienced it. Yet even those who have been shrouded in grief, experience the embrace fundamentally different from the next person.

Grief comes in many forms, whether we are mourning the loss of a loved one or coming to terms with the reality of a different life than we imagined. I've grieved many things on our parental journey. I've grieved the losses of pregnancies, failed assisted fertility cycles, and the loss of hope of ever becoming parent.

After becoming a parent for the first time to our daughter Sylvie, my old friend grief stood by my side once again as Sylvie slipped away from us only five days after her birth. Let me tell you, grief after loosing a child is not like anything I've ever experienced before.

Let me preface these next few thoughts by saying that there is no silver lining to loose a child. Death is not some life lesson that needs to be taught. I did not need to go on some heroes journey and come out the other side better, stronger, wiser. But grief changes you. Whether you like it or not, you are different. The person who existed in the before times, isn't the person you are after it all happens. And I sincerely liked the person I used to be.

Somewhere along my grief journey I began to experience immense gratitude. Gratitude for the nursing staff who were compassionate with Sylvie, the doctors who were patient with us and tried everything to save her, our midwife who visited us in the weeks following her death, the funeral home for helping us navigate cremating our child and of course our family and friends for their unwavering love and support. The list is really to long to count.

In addition to the people, I was grateful to have met Sylvie. To have held her, bathed her, kissed her and hold her until her last breath. I am grateful for my marriage. Unbelievably grateful for my marriage. We were there for each other in ways no husband and wife should ever need to be, but when it comes down to it there's no one else I'd want by my side.

A war of two feelings

Holding space for grief and gratitude at the same time can be complex. They are two very different emotions, two different ways of perceiving the world. And yet, I experience them together rather frequently.

When Rémi was born, I was grateful for so many things. Grateful we made it to 37 weeks of our pregnancy, delivered a loudly screaming baby (those cries were the sweetest sounds to my ears) and grateful to have been given another little miracle.

Shortly after he was born, and as we started to realize the extent of his medical condition, grief came back again. This time, I was grieving for a life I had envisioned with a new babe. I have very complex grief to process being back in the NICU steps away from where I last saw Sylvie (but that's another post all about trauma triggers).

With Rémi in the hospital for the foreseeable future, I have had to reconcile the life I thought I'd have, with the reality of the life I do have.

There will be no newborn cuddles in bed, contact naps on the couch, outings to the library or playtime at mom groups, simple things like feeding him won't happen the way I had envisioned and my recovery and comfort of home, family and friends has been stripped away. The list of all the things we won't have is vast. Sometimes so vast it's hard to see the light.

Practicing Gratitude

My transition to practicing gratitude has been a lot harder for me lately. While I know that there are so many things to be grateful for, it seems like the list of challenges just continues to grow. Rather than solely focusing on the positive, which can feel like toxic positivity somedays, it's important for me to find genuine moments of gratitude.

Family and Friends

It truly does take a village. Without the support from our village, there are many things that we would not be able to do.

For starters, we live too far away from the hospital and needed to move cities to be with Rémi. On top of my maternity leave from work, David also needed to take a leave of absence to be here. Our income has been drastically reduced, and we have additional expenses for things like accommodations and parking while in the city.

Our village has stepped in to help us with the monetary stress so we can focus on Rémi. There have been many contributions to a Go Fund Me to help us offset our new costs. Others have sent us food or vouchers, baby gifts, cards and well wishes. Your words and gestures have meant so much to us in a time where we can't be with you in person.

For this, we are truly grateful.

Cuddles

While my cuddle time looks a little different than most new moms, I'm forever grateful for the amount of time that I do get to spend cuddling Rémi. Since his GTube has healed, we've been able to cuddle lots in a baby carrier and do some chest to chest cuddling. I waited so very long to get him sleeping against my chest and am so grateful for the time we spend hanging out like this.

Developmental Milestones

With so much of his early life spent in the hospital, inevitably Rémi will be behind other babies his age hitting developmental milestones. Let's face it, there's only so much we can really do with him bedside each day. No walks in the woods no car rides, no new and stimulating activities.

We are grateful for the personality he is developing and his resilience to his situation. We play with him as much as we can and lately have started to be rewarded with adorable smiles and babbling coos.

He's found his hands and is slowly discovering his feet with the help of a half deflated helium balloon that he has become enamored with lately.

I'm truly grateful for his smiles and his happy personality.

Family Time

Just today David remarked how much time he has spent with Rémi. If we had a choice, of course we would prefer to be at home. However, with David's leave of absence he has been able to spend all day everyday with Rémi, something he wouldn't have had if he was back to work.

While our family photos are few and far between, we've had a few opportunities and gentle reminders from nurses to take these pictures for us.

I am forever grateful for the few family photos that we do have.

Everday is hard. Sometimes really hard. While I grieve for a life that I thought we would have with Rémi, I can still find moments of gratitude. I am grateful he is here with us and thriving. Each day is a blessing and I can't wait to spend each and every day with him. So while I am grateful for many things, I still hold space for the complex grief that comes my way.