What's in a name?

Rainbow baby; noun.

A baby born subsequent to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss.

I've always had mixed feelings about this term. To start with, I already had my rainbow baby. The little miracle who was born after multiple miscarriages, and 5 years of infertility treatments. The daughter I lost after only 5 days with her earth-side.

There were many times, in the thick of grief, I couldn't imagine a brighter day, one filled with the smiles and laughter another baby might bring. Even if we could somehow beat the odds and manage to get (and stay) pregnant, I could never think of this new little being as the calm after the storm. First, that would mean I'd have to think of Sylvie's life as a storm, a little blip to endure on the path to a brighter day. Second, after you loose a child the fear and anxiety never truly go away. I thought if I got too excited or labelled this baby as another rainbow, that I'd loose them too.

I've learned over the years that my feelings don't define or control me. The fear and anxiety I have about loss are valid, and I've spent a lot of time learning to accept them. But they don't define me. Most people are lucky to experience one miracle in their lifetime- but I've experienced two. Sylvie and Rémi. They are both my rainbow babies, bringing me immense joy after loss.

For all of my pregnancies, we decided to keep the sex of the baby a surprise until they were born. That meant choosing both boy and girl names to have ready for when they were born. Any expectant parent will tell you this is a daunting task. Our criteria for names seemed simple enough. Stay true to David's French Canadian roots and at the same time incorporate our love for nature into the name. Sylvie translates into "of the woods" and Rémi means "oarsman".

Alternately, Rémi also means "the cure" or "remedy". A perfectly fitting name for a little boy whose existence showed me how much love I have left to give. My pregnancy with Rémi was complicated- both emotionally and at the end medically. He was born with a congenital abnormality requiring immediate emergency intervention, surgery, and long term hospital stay. The baby I thought was finally coming home this time, still remains in hospital awaiting his cure.

With that, I'd like to welcome you to "Rainbow Remedy". A blog meant to provide regular updates on Rémi to our friends and family, as well as an outlet for me on grief, becoming a medical momma again, and hopefully to provide inspiration and hope to others.